It's been 89 days since I last wrote a blog post. We're still in quarantine, but a vaccine has been developed and I hope that I'll be able to go back to school by the start of the school year. I remember in the past I had to write a blog post every single day in order to check everything off my to do list and count everything as done. I've been looking at my past blog posts and it's so surreal to think that my fourth grade self was so stressed and under so much pressure. I wrote multiple blogs talking about how I was stressed, and also very pressured. Then again, I also was very last minute in the past. My blog post from February 27, 2017 talked about how school reminded me of failure. Failure, because one bad grade can make your self esteem drop, then you may not ever be as motivated as you were in the past. In four years not much has changed, I'm still stressed every day thinking about the future. What if I don't succeed? What will I do? I'm so scared. I've always been told I have to work hard if I want to succeed and I really do try my best but sometimes there's absolutely no motivation. Being told to work harder or be like other people just adds onto the pressure, I'm really so scared about my future. Time flies. I'll be in college before I know it but it's just so scary to think about. In the future, there may be less jobs because of AI, it'll be so much harder to make a living. I think about the future a lot but I also know very well that I'm not trying as hard as I could be. I know that many people live paycheck to paycheck, but I know that I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be so stressed about paying my bills and taxes to the point where it's almost impossible to enjoy life. I just don't want to be a failure. It may sound unreal but I've been stressing about my future and college since second grade... I want to work harder, I want to be smarter, I want to better, but at the same time I really don't know if I actually want to put in the effort to achieve these goals. I waste too much time and I know it, I should delete all my social medias, stop watching so many videos, stop playing games, stop reading webtoons, and stop keeping up with kpop, because they're all reasons I waste time. The thing is I just can't, they're what make me happy, but at the same time it's also what's dragging me down. I wish I had enough self control to just study every second of the day, like those high achievers, but I just can't. I'm too dependent on these things that make me smile, I feel like if one day I just stopped doing all of this I wouldn't be able to be happy. Although I don't want to let go of the small things in life that make me smile, I think that if I did I would be able to focus more on school, get better grades, do more extracurriculars, and do a lot more studying which will ultimately lead to a better college and a better life. Perhaps my view of life is messed up, maybe I can be successful and happy without doing well in school, but the more I think about my future, the more I think how essential college is, and I end up getting more stressed. To get my mind off education and other things, I watch videos, play games, and do the other things that make me happy, but they're really just wastes of time, and every night when I go to sleep I think about how I wasted my day doing all of that instead of being productive. Really, I want to be successful, but I think I'll have to be 100x smarter and work 100x harder, but do I have the motivation?
